Wandering thoughts

Up and down

2009-11-09T07:52:12Z

So things have been good for a while... Ya know. College student living with mom still is an okay life style. I play games, I have friends... etc etc.

Starting on October 14th I had a period. Meh. That sucks.

But then it didn't stop.

November 1st I start getting worried and put up a poll on deviantart asking other users if they would go see a doctor if they had a non-ending period like that. In the meanwhile, I'd been experiencing a lot of dizzy-spells, extreem fatigue, small ammounts of fainting, and inability to think clearly.

So on Nov 3rd I went to my doctor. A nurse practitioner saw me and we talked about it. She took a small blood sample and a machine told her that I'm anemic because of blood loss through my woman's curse.

God damn. Who would have thought that someone could, in theory/worst case scenario/untreated, die of blood loss from a PERIOD!

So I was put on some drug that should stop my period as well as iron pills.

By the way, confusingly enough, my father has Hemochromotosis- a genetic disease which causes overproduction/storage of iron in the bloodstream which if untreated monthly can cause severe liver damage within a year leading to death in about two years. Because I could share the disease, I've always been told to avoid having too much iron in my diet, but now here I am NEEDING it. Strange amirite?

It still hasn't stop but I still have some pills left. I've managed to discover a cycle of dizzyspells. I'm now suddenly a morning person with a horribly energy dip (may include fainting) shortly after lunch which lasts until dinner or afternoon snack (I preffer to have a snack of something small just to help get rid of the exhausted feeling). after dinner when I take the pills I feel okay for a few more hours but then I start feeling like hell around 9 pm where if I don't go to sleep, I'll feel like hell until I sleep.

Ugh. Sometimes I get so disoriented because of dizzyness that I forget things.. like, if I'm driving to school I'll forget where I'm going or if I'm doing homework I'll suddenly forget how to do anything involved in it, etc. It's quite annoying and I often have to ask others around me to remind me whats going on. I think they can tell that its because I'm not feeling well. Worst of all is that it seems everyone WANTS to put pressure on me/cause dramashit right now, and quite frankly I've been doing things like forget the word 'napkin' when eating at a restaraunt and have to just point to it and pray someone understands. It's almost like I'm forgetting how to speak and the best form of communication is the thoughts in my mind. It makes me wish to betelepathic so I don't have to try to speak, write, or text-message anyone at any time.

So latest dramashit-
My exboyfriend who wanted to still be friends wants me to be a friends with benefits. I said its up to my girlfriend. He wants threesomes. She's shy and not interested. He's pushing for it in a melodramatic "its liek you guys are the only friends I have and you are the only ones who understand me so I love you both and I want to have sex with you but don't feel obligated or anything" fuck I hate melodramatic phrazes like that. Its why I broke up with him!

My girlfriend is being pushy to have me do anything at any time. Including return her headphones, which SHE left in MY car, at 10pm, when she's already had me with her all day and she knew that I hadn't been feeling well. she gets this angry sound to her voice then this sad "Im gonna go cut myself" sound to her voice that pisses me off. Especially because I said at the start of the conversation that I was getting ready for bed and feel like hell. I told her I'd give it to her in the morning but that doesnt seem to be good enough. UGH GET OVER IT! I AM NOT DRIVING TO YOUR HOUSE TO GIVE YOU THE HEADPHONES! FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO LIKE SLEEP! DONT PUT THIS STRESS ON ME! Worst of all, is she tried to use stuff I said against me. I fucking hate when people do that because when I use words, they are different based off of the subject at hand.

Earlier today she asked me if I was coming down with the cold my mom and stepdad have, I said "no I'm not sick, its just the anemia". Later tonight I said "the anemia is making me feel really sick". She fucking says "I thought you said you weren't sick" in an accusing way like I'm lying to her. WELL AT LEAST IM NOT A BITCH TO YOU WHEN YOU ARENT FEELING GOOD!!

Apparently being anemic makes me highly agro, but because I'm so dizzy/tired it just comes out as a dull sigh. Its frustrating to not be able to express myself.

Its even more frustrating that my ex is SO fucking clingy even though we are separated. I hate clingy people. I hate being clung to. I know it sounds silly, but I need personal space, ya know? I'm not talking about cuddling, I'm talking about overall someone being too needy with my time, my emotions, my energy, etc. I can't do everything at any given moment. If you tell me to jump, I'll say "fuck you!"

Okay and I'll bet that all of this is just rageful ramble to any veiwers but I really dont care. If you want me to reword something let me know what you don't understand and we'll chat.

Get up c'mon get down with the sickness~

2009-09-25T06:06:24Z

Siiiick.

But not from a virus or bacteria.

I just got my second of three guardasil shots. This one had less immediate pain to the injection site, but omg wow I feel like hell. This didn't happen with the first shot for whatever reason...

It started about three days ago. A week after I got the shot. Extreme acid reflux, general body pain, dizzying high blood pressure. I thought I was going to die or something.

My mother who is an RN took a good look over me. My blood pressure after sitting down for 20 minutes was 170/120. Note, healthy blood pressure is like 120/80. No wonder I felt dizzy. My lymph nodes feel like the size of golf balls and are extremely painful.

Over the last few days, I've fallen down from dizziness 6 times, fainted once, and had to leave class early 3 times out of 7 classes.

But despite this, I'm actually really happy lately. I'm working on an image and I'm so happy with how its turning out. It's at the bottom of this entry. I have done absolutely no progress for OnnaNoKoNi but I really will get to it eventually. I'm almost ready to do a photomanip idea I've had floating around for a while. I finished chapter 2 of my fanfic, which due to lack of canon characters is more like 'borrowing the locations and weapons of the story and incorporating ideas from it'.

I failed my first math test, but the finals will 'erase the worst grade' and replace it with an equivalence. So basically I just need to catch up and stay caught up. No problem. I just haven't done math, particularly algebra, since freshman year of highschool. My 'intro to paralegal studies' class? We've done absolutely nothing. We have watched some of Obama's speeches, read the Magna Carta, discussed various types of crimes and modes of punishment within the system... with no mention of tests or quizzes. The teacher is cool though cuz he reminds me of a smarter version of my dad. He mentioned one day that his baby girl was visiting from out of state and he left early to go get her at the airport. Hehehe. Kind of sweet and shows that Mr. Older-laywer-teacher-dude is human.

I made it in black and white to prevent the spoiler but when I finish it will be posted in color. copics ftw... It's a character from a video game from my perspective, since the game company never really explained why she did what she had done... So I came to my own conclusions by what the other characters said about her past.

Are We Human?

2009-09-09T06:04:52Z

So yeah.

I haven't been here in forever.

'Sup.

Anyone actually notice me, I wonder?

I mean, I post a lot of stuff. Here and at various other places. I abuse the keywords system too, if you couldn't tell.

Well anyway. I have my ups and downs. So does everyone, right?

...Sooo... does anyone seriously notice me here? Please post if so. I kinda get the feeling I'll delete this account if I'm just wasting digital space with conversation no one takes part in. ^^;

Prime Time of Your Life

2009-04-16T06:15:25Z

I'm very depressed.

I failed a test, barely passed the other two, have a huge paper assignment, I've had two curses within three weeks, and in general everyone hates me for no reason more than ever.

My dog. I was laying on my mom's bed (because it's comfortable) where my dog was. At first he went up to me and wanted to nuzzle/lick me but after a bit of relaxing together he growled and bared his teeth at me. I don't know what I did...

A few people at a forum I hadn't checked on in a while were hating on me for no reason I understand. After all: I haven't been online so what did I do?

At deviantart where I post a lot of art, I haven't gotten a critique in a very long time. It's really sad that I try so hard and the only people who have noticed me only do so out of obligation or because they're my friends. I'm sick of needing pity. I want people to see me because I have ANY talent. I feel alone.

My mom will be mad when she finds out about the tests. She'll say all kinds of mean things like "you should have studied instead of videogames" like she KNOWS WHAT I AM DOING EVERY FUCKING SECOND OF MY LIFE. I did study. I fucking studied until my eyes hurt. And you know what?? Come tests apparently the information just flies away in the wind.

I'm tired of trying so hard but if I do any less then I'll be nothing. Its like I try so hard and no one sees me but if I don't try, everything will fall apart.
I'm tired of trying to be a column of friendship and support. I try so hard to be a good person and a good friend and even to give true and good advice... I try to make everything I say straight from the heart but lately its like not even those closest to me seem so distant. It's like anything I say either isn't good enough or is just too stupid? I can't take it. I've always been like this.

I always have tried to say good things and to be nice and encouraging but I can't get anything in response. How do I get people to care about me??

Out of everything I'm having a problem with that is my only question. How do I get people to care about me!?

To some it may seem shallow but I'm so sick of being 'deep'. Its like I've lost myself in trying to be that way because I can't get any decency in return anyway! I don't care how shallow it is, I want someone... ANYONE to tell me that they care about me. EVEN A LITTLE and even if you don't know me and its a lie ...if you can at least type it then maybe even with that lie then I can feel better.

Storm in a Teacup

2009-03-21T02:40:19Z

Wrote some more stuff and posted it at http://duskthedemon.deviantart.com ...Eh.

Got a new comic strip planned. Part of a larger project called VACity. We, members of the VAC, all live in this metropolis (think Gotham City from Batman) and the comic starts at nightfall after a robbery at a bank. My part is being done with the tablet and I can see its turning out ok so far.

ugh I'm tired. I have a midterm for history soon and I really don't think I'm ready for it. >_> It's only from 1950s onwards so you'd THINK it was easy.

Actually its really hard because the Cold War was (in short) frikkin retarded.

Will you smile for me like always?

2009-03-11T05:28:35Z

Okay. I'm over it.

Yeah I have mood swings or some sort of similar shit. Eh. I didn't end up hurting myself (DUR). I cried myself to sleep, got up the next day, and continued the boring life of a college student.

Actually something really good happened in the weekend.

I was called by Kore who said that she was having a small get-together involving alcohol and her new hookah. It's really pretty- about 2.5 ft tall and its got an Egyptian design of black and gold with Anubis carved into the shaft. She also had some funky fruit smelling stuff for it that smelled like pie after the smoke was blown. XD It felt and looked really weird but it was nice. I met with someone who I got in an argument in at AX07, but he and I got along. I blame the alcohol in a good way. I didn't get drunk or wasted or whatever... just pleasantly buzzed off of some pomegranate flavored Smirnoff. Lets see... there was about 7 people there I think. I got to meet Kore's new boyfriend. For a guy the age of my father, he was pretty cool. We had fun and MILDLY played some drinking games. No one wanted to barf or hurt themselves after all, and we all knew how to avoid it. Yes even me though I technically can't have a drop for... 3 years. (I'll be 21 then). hahaha what alcohol? Besides- my mom said it was ok so long as I spent the night there, which I did. :)

After some fun with my bf we all went to sleep. The boys woke up early to leave before Kore's mom got home.

Speaking of Anime Expo... I'm looking forward to it finally. Is anyone here attending? Are you cosplaying?

I love cosplaying. It's so fun! I don't have the money right now, but I hope to cosplay Lenalee Lee from D.Gray-man next year. This year I'm cosplaying Zelos Wilder (Tales of Symphonia), Aerith's original costume and a Remnant (Final Fantasy VII), Marluxia King of Hearts (Kingdom Hearts 2, original costume design), and a kimono.

By the way. I do art commissions and REALLY want to get the Lenalee outfit/wig. Please check out my commission page: http://ryugexu.deviantart.com/journal/18592459/

Trapped in this machine

2009-03-03T06:57:25Z

I'm in constant pain. My left knee hurts all the time and my ribcage feels like someone broke every rip then set it back in-place... it hurts to breathe sometimes too because of that. There's nothing that can be done other than just 'deal with it'.

I can't sleep. I'm so stressed out. I hate my classes and I just want it to be over. I can't take deep breaths/properly meditate because it hurts like something is stabbing my chest.

I look at everything I love- my art, my voice acting and fandubs, my singing then just think its all shit. It's pointless! No one cares about my art or my fandubs or my voice. I started it because I like any normal human desire acceptance and maybe some sort of ...oh I don't know.. critique or minor recognition. But you know? I'm not good enough in anything that I do.

I bet no one is even reading this. I don't even want sympathy anymore. I just want change but I can't make that happen.

I feel so alone and used.

I feel like everyone who I do things for -even those people I love the most- are only using me or maybe they don't even care about what I do for them. It's like at Christmas... I spent 10+ hours each on three pieces of art for my friends and I got nothing in return other than more requests to do shit I really don't want to do. Why do I do it? because I thought that I love them and that they love me, and because of the fucking government failing we're poor, we'd all draw stuff and give it to eachother. I was the only one to do anything. ANYTHING. I didn't even get a hand-written card or a stick-figure drawing!

Even on birthdays. For one friends birthday I got her a $30 game, another friend I bought a game system for (an older one but she wanted it), and what did I get? A "sorry" and a wallscroll that was a hand-me-down and even though it was of an anime I liked... it was one that she'd set aside and it was more like I was her trashcan for a messed up wall scroll that she didn't feel good about throwing it away... so what do you do with something you can't use but don't want to toss? Give it to someone on their birthday. It was really obvious too because she slipped up and said so.

Of coarse, if I say anything I get guilt-tripped and bitched at. Because my opinion doesn't matter, my problems don't matter, and no one really gives a fuck, they just act like they do because it's convenient.

I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just a horrible person and it's normal to do that sort of thing and not desire any sort of equality. Maybe everyone is in physical pain? Maybe I'm really not worth anything. Maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead.

I'd cut myself so ANYONE would look at me but I'm too afraid of being in more pain. No one cares when I cry or scream or can't sleep.

Maybe, if I cut myself it would be worth it just so someone would hold me and tell me that people love me... even if it's a lie.

Look, Feel something, Forget something Find something, Lose something

2009-02-13T09:01:06Z

I'm so tired, but it's the sort of tired you get when you are plagued with insomnia. Right now, I should write an epic Edgar Allen Poe-styled poem ...but I'm cold. D= and tired, and weak.

School made me lazy. I do homework, I get bored studying, I surf the interwebs, and then I try (and fail) to sleep. I am horrible company, and worst of all the world requires me to smile because of Valentine's day.. which is more like the market's way of trying to sell you the pink shit no one wants lol.

Yeah I hate being in cars, btw. At ALL now. I keep getting stress/panic attacks while in the car.. :(

I wonder what my BF has for me... he said he had a surprise. I'm sure whatever it is... it will make everything be less important and less stressful.

"And then, someone and someone falls in love,
Believing forever"

It's my life

2009-01-13T19:11:26Z

Lol Forgot to update.

Anyways, after all that worrying, my iron levels are fine. My only problem is cholesterol, which my doctor says is weird for my age. (I don't think it's weird. I FRIKKIN LOVE PASTA AND CHEESE). Soooo.... she says I should loose 20lbs, but I believe its more like 50 lbs. I've started working out more often and I hope to start a video blog on youtube soon about it, to encourage myself to what I'm doing right vs what I'm doing wrong. I am not good with writing things out, so talking to myself about it may be the help I need. I want to be healthy, so... I'm going to do my best.

Steven is in CA right now in LA. I want to see him SO MUCH!! We were supposed to meet on Monday but then plans were changed... my mother has the flu and she wouldn't be able to take the thought of me going to meet someone from the internet. She's kinda paranoid and thinks that everyone on the internet is a pedophile/stalker/murderer combo. >_>

I should be working on my Tales of Symphonia fandub, but instead I'm making a FFX amv. LOL fail amirite?

Burn me alive inside...

2008-12-20T08:03:55Z

Ugh.

I haven't felt good physically in a long time. I am so scared, though, what if it is the HHC? What if it is thyroid issues? :(

HHC: http://www.hemochromatosis.org/Internal.asp?page=Hemochromatosis
I am heterozygote.
My father is homozygote.
My symptoms which may be related: Chronic fatigue, depression, issues involving the menstruation cycle, SLIGHT ashen/green tone to skin in some areas.

Some of them may also be from thyroid though, you can never be too certain.

I wish that I am sick, so I could feel better, but I wish I'm not sick because what if the treatment is pricey.

My neck hurts a lot... I've become insomniac (and its so hard for me to sleep well), and I also wake up at night with panic attacks a lot more often now. I at first just blamed it on the happenings at the spiritual world but could I really be 'attacked' psychically this often??

I had an interesting trip about 3 nights ago. Me and the fire elemental of the Org were planning and going-through with "suicide bombs" in the enemy's base. We got into an old and large ship of some form and filled it with explosives. We sat in the front seats (I was driving), and we drove to the enemy base, where they're main army supply transport ships were lined up for entry. I gassed it as hard as I could, to ram them from behind. I was going either 70 or 90 mph when we collided with the vehicles. The fire elemental grabbed me, and ignited. He basically set off all the explosives (+the fuel, and whatever flammables were being transported) and protected me, by making me temporarily immune to fire. o_o I passed out after everything started exploding around us, and woke up back at the base of the Org. The leader was there, and so were several of my friends from the Org. It was strange. They were so casual, like "oh welcome back" when I just got out of something like that. I think Steven's other half of his soul wasn't happy with me. ^^; I think he'll forgive me after the rest of his soul has a chance to respond.

Being of the Twilight, + or -, is so odd. We have two halves to our soul who manifest in the body we control, and "our opposite". It's interesting.

...................................

I wonder how badly we damaged the enemy's base by doing that...? >.>

Once upon a December~

2008-12-03T05:37:05Z

I haven't updated in a while. :(

Perhaps I should?

College is tough. @_@ I do not like research essays. I am a very jumbled person, like a tornado (well, I am an air element. haha). I'm writing about Highschools VS Homestudy programs, and why homestudy is better. I experienced it myself.

Anyways, I want to do more voice acting but my mom sleeps a lot. :( I am worried about her, she seems unhealthy lately. She went to the doctors but we know they are lying through their teeth at her.

I want to get a new dentist... I am tired of retching to get my teeth cleaned. I know that I am not 'too sensitive' because my previous dentist did fine. His friend who he transfered us to when he suddenly moved without any notice SUCKS MAJORLY. He's always shaking like he's on speed, sweaty, and he SMELLS BAD. I DO NOT want to go to a dentist that smells bad!! There's no way to avoid the smell! It's not just old-person smell, its like... rotting flesh, maybe?? Great. My dentist is a potential zombie. >_>

Anyways so I need a new dentist.

My legs have been bothering me. A LOT. My ankles hurt all the time now. I have never been able to run (I would always sprain/break my ankles when I try to run properly), and I'm certain that my ankles are deformed.. it's almost bow-legged but only the bones curls inwards at the ankles and no where else on the legs. It really hurts and I can't move that fast... it makes me sad because I always dream about running... and being able to keep up with my friends. Like at conventions where there are always reasons to move swiftly... I just get left behind and end up in pain because I try to keep up and fail. I want to get an X-ray... but how do I get that scheduled? Also, my mom and I have the same doctor. >_> He was a good doctor, but he retired and left his name/practice/office to this arrogant prick who prefers taking the easy way to money rather than actually...you know, practicing medicine.

Wish me luck. Ugh.

Darkness Cover Me~

2008-11-06T03:46:13Z

The life of a shadow was not a hard one.

A shadow was expected to flick about the halls, and frighten intruding figures away, only attacking when no one would notice. A shadow was to be beautiful and youthful to please the King. Most of the shadows in the castle were children, who dance about secretly with dull eyes. The shadows are the remains of a tortured but innocent soul. Most of the shadows had been no one of importance, and been hurt by monsters with no one to save them. The King himself was a monster, who cared for shadows, demons, and evil more than anything else.

There was one particular shadow that was unable to flit about as most should. She had a physical body and she wasn't transparent, very unlike the other shadows. Nor was she a child, but a young woman of sixteen years. The King grew interested in her, and began calling her his 'little bride' as a playful nickname. He knew her name, but he would not tell her, for if a shadow is told their name, they are set free. The King would sit this shadow-bride on a throne and dress her like a doll. Though his actions sound sweet and endearing, please bear in mind he IS a monster, and a monster will always harm those around it. He treated her like an insane man would treat doll or a pet, holding it close when he was happy and harming her when he was mad. After all, a King of Darkness has a lot of opposition from any universe or astral plane.

This King had many subjects. All of his subjects were demons, monsters, soulless, and other similar creatures that human children run and hide from, and scream about in their nightmares. The King ruled his people harshly, treating them as a monster treats anyone. The soulless grew tired of their torment, and one of them rose against him, to prepare a Civil War.

The leader of the soulless, a tall and proud figure named Kiiro, usually stayed within the castle walls. He was the leader of the secret rebellion, but the King suspected nothing. Kiiro was even allowed near the little bride. One particular day, Kiiro whispered to the little bride what her name was. He told her that her name was 'Yugure', and thus the little bride remembered that she had no reason to trust the King or listen to his words- for he had done nothing but harm her and force her to do his bidding! Yugure had a certain power that Kiiro knew about, and Kiiro did not want that power in his King's hands. That night he took her away from the Dark Kingdom and hid her away, to teach her how to defend herself, to fight, and to protect others correctly while he saved his people. Kiiro vanished from sight and was gone for a very long time, and Yugure was scared to be alone, so she had wandered away without realizing that Kiiro would not be able to find her if she wandered into the light....

---------------------------------------------------------------

Freaky dream, right? ^^; I have always believe in my dreams as visions or 'something I should know', and I think that mentality comes from Native American heritage.

This dream happened when I was 12 but I forgot it when I woke up. That day I got attacked by 16 people who I didn't know (a gang?) and was suspended from school for being attacked. The school faculty claimed I 'incited violence' even though... dude when I say I don't know someone I mean I had never even seen their faces or knew their names. Why would I have any reason to talk to strangers and get them to attack me? Anyways I remembered it just recently, and I'm not sure WHY I remembered it... but it's a beautiful story. I've always been "Yugure" in my dreams. Whenever there is a name to call me by, its "Yugure". Kiiro is the name of my spiritual guardian, who follows me almost wherever I go....

This one is going on my deviantart... lol
http://ryugexu.deviantart.com

I'm not dead, just floating~

2008-10-22T07:56:31Z

I'm feeling unusually overwhelmed, yet I can't get anything done. I've tried but next thing I know, I've distracted myself or I'm doing something else and its almost like I can't control it.

Ugh.
I'm tired.

[NOTE: if you don't understand anything past this point do not worry. If you think you may know what this is, please do not be afraid to say so.]
My spirit guide is restless, I want to ask him what's wrong, but he is too proud to answer. (Sigh)

My brother's spirit has been quiet... I wonder what's wrong? I worry for my son spirit.... he is never around, but I think of him like a worried mother (hence son spirit).

I'm so tired and dazed but I just can't sleep well. I wake up early even if I just went to sleep three hours before. There is rumor from Hades that a war is happening, Grecian Underworld vs the Norse.

W.T.F. Apparently, Thor disrespected Hades's daughter and threataned her earthly form, and thus war. Of coarse, my alliance with Hades drags me into this as well, for he is my Grandfather by marriage. I contacted Hades but he doesn't want me to worry about it, but I can't help it! The LAST TIME Norse participated any wars MY SOUL WAS LOCKED IN A COFFIN FOR 2 WEEKS.

Saphire! What's going on??

Also Kiiro says to keep out of it. I guess its my element, the Twilight must be isolated until the right moment for conflict to end? Ugh I don't care, I just want to help!

But then you're near me, and its not so bad~

2008-10-20T07:10:20Z

Sorry for the resent angsts... u_u;

Anyways, I've been very busy lately. The life of a college student is full of non-forfilling objectives that must be done!

Also I kinda entered art contests. Yes I consider it important, because I could win real moneys! :) but I'm so behind on my schoolwork!! >_>

I'm doing Tshirt commissions, check out my deviantart for details. http://ryugexu.deviantart.com

I love Steven.. he's so sweet.

When we were getting ready to get off the phone, he said "I'm gonna go to bed now, but I'll be dreaming of you." and it was like... warm fuzzies. *blush*

I asked "really?" and he said, "yeah"

Gosh... I didn't know that anyone could be so sweet and loving to me.. I thought that was just stuff for the movies or on TV romance stories. -^^-
He had good news for me yesterday... he said that in January he'll be coming to California... so we can see each-other face to face. I'm so happy right now... It seems that my troubles are just melting away when I talk to him or just hear his voice, or even to just know that he's on the other end of the phone line.

I pray "信じて"

2008-10-11T07:22:43Z

""I pray "I can believe"
that we can tear apart the darkness from our cold memories... ""

So stressed out lately...

Why is it that I want so much to help people, it feels like they start manipulating me?

Right now, I've got my own problems....

I'm trying to get $8,000+ from Southern Union from an account that was made for me after a car accident. They wont give it to me, so my father (the trustee) showed them the court case documents. They said its not good enough. Now we have to get a court order that the Court of California wont help us get, claiming we need a lawyer. GUESS WHAT. Every lawyer in the area won't answer their phones or only has 4 office hours a week. I need that money so I can go through college. Then also I probably failed a Spanish test because I don't have time to study. I haven't been sleeping well and I've been gaining weight even though I've been more active than I've ever been in my entire life. My period hasn't come in 2 months and my stomach hurts when ever I lay down. My mom's been crying at night, and her job is withholding her checks and not standing to anyone's contracts, causing problems in the Union. I think I'm also having minor visual and audio disillusions on top of all that shit.

Don't get me wrong, I love helping people. I want to solve the problems everyone has, because sometimes only "someone other than yourself" can see the pathway. Then after I've held someone while they sobbed into my arms, followed by an abrupt 'we may have sexual stuff going on, but we're just friends ok?' and then by guilt tripping me to get me to spend the night with 'its cold here, and I'm so alone... I love you but you don't have to worry about me' in that fake voice where you know the person is trying to act like everything is OK after dealing with them 1000 times...

But then I was doing the laundry and I was about to check if the dishes need doing, so my mom doesn't come home in the morning and start crying over the condition of the house because it would just be the last straw. I don't have time to go anywhere and spend the night. It was already 11 PM by that time!

Everyone I know desires me all at once. My cellphone's inbox is full and I won't delete it because the two people who are friends who have the number are constantly texting me... I won't get on aim or skype because I'll be told "HEY we need to chat now, stay up 'till 2am with us!" (no offense guys, but I'm really at a breaking point and do NOT guilt trip me or get mad at me.... just say "ok I'll try to be more understanding") The only reason I'm posting is because I need somewhere to release that frustration without it being where the major 2 emopeople who guilt trip me can see.

Why is it that if I just don't respond to a text message immediately, I "hate" that person?!?! I just don't get it!!!! It was 2 fucking minutes! I let a text sit for two fucking minutes and he sends another one, "you hate me, don't you?"

It doesn't seem to matter what I say, I'm not getting any slack from any direction other than my English teacher (I can't thank you enough, Mrs. Atkinson), and she's making it easier for me to stay in her class. She requires we go to two out-of-class workshops on campus for writing, that they'd have info in the Resource Center. I went there, and they gave information all right. WRONG information. WRONG workshops... fucking morons can't even say "I'm not 100% sure, but I think you should.." when you know they had to be either fucking insane, lying, or fucking retarded.

It seems at this point, even if I came down with some horrible deadly cancer, everyone would still be pressing on me. Like no one understands I have my own burdens, no one can understand that my loyalty is to my family first, because they are letting me stay with them...

Ugh... I feel like crap...

2008-10-01T05:33:36Z

Lately... I haven't been feeling well.

This week I've done nothing good. I missed out on a great artistic practice opportunity (that could have resulted in a real prize and more friends), got pissed at some dickless jerk on my favorite MMO (because he was lvl 70 and picking on me, a lvl 16 newbie), and managed to not study for important classes. AT ALL.

Also I've gained 3 lbs... I'm dangerously close to my "suicide-weight"... I swore if I got that fat I'd kill myself. I know I won't go through with it but I'm in such a bad mood because of it. I hate the thought of being fat. I hate my body, I always have. I've never been healthy and I don't know what to do about it...

I've done everything to try and be healthy. I've recently changed my diet. I'm eating more salad and less of my favorite foods, taking long walks (instead of just sitting all the time), and what?! I GAINED SO MUCH WEIGHT?! I've been gradually gaining weight since the "change for the better"...

Worst of all my woman's curse hasn't been here in 2 months. I know I'm not pregnant but I feel my ovarian cyst swelling and it makes me feel uncomfortable in every position. In a couple weeks I'll feel like I'm going to die because its going to hurt so bad.

I've never wanted to be a man more than I have right now.

I know I've questioned my sexuality and my gender. I love dresses and I like boys, but I've only had good sexual experiences with girls, and I 'look' at girls more... I mean, what do you expect from a rape victem who was laughed at by police and almost sent to Juvenile Hall (for public indecency) when she told? Also I wouldn't have to worry about bleeding into my abdominal cavity, which is not only life threatening but extremely painful!!! You have never had pain like this, no matter how bad your real periods are.. unless you have the same ovarian disease I have. It's torture. You can't sleep, you can't walk, you can't sit, you can't stand... every little motion causes a rebound of horrible stabbing agony.. Its hard to even breathe. I would hurt LESS if someone stabbed me while I was suffering from this!!

Mentally, things would be a lot easier for me if I was a boy. I wouldn't have such high expectations on me. People would say "oh he's just a boy" so I could get out of things. BUT because I'm a girl everyone's all "you can do better" or "try a little harder, stop slacking!" I don't give a crap if I really am slacking or not... I don't think I know any other 17 year olds who are in college full-time!!

My fucking stepsister signed up for classes but didn't go. Why? "Because I didn't feel like it, I was with my boyfriend." I've got so many people telling me what I should be doing and putting such harsh standards on me, and she says it so casually. WHAT THE HELL.

FUCK DEMOCRASY FUCK RELIGIOUS SALESMEN FUCK MCCAIN FUCK THE RICH FUCK BEING A WOMAN FUCK SOCIAL STANDARDS FUCK THAT ASSHOLE ON FLYFF FUCK YOU PAIN FUCK YOU PALIN AND UR LACK OF EXPERIENCE FUCK DEBATE FUCK GROUP PROJECTS FUCK HOMEWORK FUCK ....FUCK CRYING I HATE CRYING!!!!!!!

Ugh. I don't know why I'm even posting this. Sorry for being an emo pansy... life's really hard on me right now and its all over stupid mental psychotic stuff....

Writer's Block: Immigration

2008-08-01T23:20:18Z

If you had to immigrate from your current home, where in the world would you choose to go?

Submitted By purplemer3

View 500 Answers

If I have to leave country, I would try to go to Japan. It would be difficult at first, but I'm sure I would be able to find my friends and host family to help us learn Japanese. I would want to move to either Nagasaki or Sasebo. ((Both areas are beautiful! The cherry blossom trees bloom in March/April! I love the way the soft pink flowers look floating in the wind!)) Also that area is colder than where I live.. and I'm a cold-weather person. Almost every day from March-May is cloudy or has rain~~ It's been SO LONG since I've been in the rain!!
Hopefully our house would NOT have "Western-style" to it. I would preffer a Japanese house, with a Japanese BATHROOM and a tatami room.

Severn Suzuki silenced the world in 1992

2008-06-29T18:53:14Z

I just found this story on youtube... it was a speech by a girl who when she was 9, she started the Environmental Children's Organization (ECO).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZsDliXzyAY&feature=related

She and her group members are all minors, and there she is talking to the UN about pollution, and even how she experienced it in Vancouver, by discovering the fish had cancers and that she couldn't fish there any more. She is a beautiful girl with a beautiful mind. I wish that they could have listened to her.

Sadly they didn't listen to her, because since 1992 things have only gotten worse.

I pray that someday they look back and wonder if Miss Suzuki was right.

Writer's Block: Where your memories began.

2008-06-29T10:40:13Z

What is your earliest memory of your life?

View 501 Answers

I remember being in a garden somewhere....

There were these HUGE white roses, and my mom wanted a picture of me, smelling the roses. I was wearing a white and green lacy dress, I think.

When we got home I raided the closet. XD I loved dress-up as a kid.

Testing... testing...

2008-06-29T09:54:12Z

Hi. I'm ryugexu.deviantart.com as well as "Yugure", and "Lime"

This is my livejournal.

I don't know why I got a livejournal, seems all the cool kids are doing it and I'm wondering if its worth the time to find an unused screen-name.

So if you wanna be my friend just ask and say where I know you from, if applicable.

Just a warning: I have mood swings so one day I'll have a hilarious entry and the next will be horribly emo.

Its 3 am right now, so I'm feelin goooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.

I enjoy....
roleplaying, fanfiction-writing, drawing, and generally being nice to people.

Final Fantasy series, Kingdom Hearts, Star Ocean 3, Legend of Zelda, Brawl, many many many DS games.....

I've been a gamer geek all my life, seriously!

I make some *chan jokes but no worries, I'm not a /b/-tard. If you don't know what that is, it's best you never find out k~?

I love people and its hard to creep me out, but I never give out personal info. :) Unless I feel particularly safe with it.